What is inside Luhan's dairy for Sehun?
by notgoodthink
Summary: Warn! dont read this. SeLu!Angsty. Dedicated to you, my home. Sorry, this is not edited and a failed of my english. I hope you understand :) this will be my last story (who's care?) here.


April, 15 2015

It's 3 days after your birthday and 5 days before mine. I find myself thinking about you again. And this time i broke so bad. I dont know how many time i cried, but this is one of the worst. My sobs are loud and i hope my mom wont listen, i guess and hope she already sleep. Are you seriously wanna kick me from your life? Because i want give up but i dont know why there is this faint hope, a small faded hope that telling me, i shouldnt give up on you, on us. And i dont know why i still hang on it while you be like you wont me anymore. Please tell me what should i do.. i miss you.

01:49

April, 16 2015

It's 4 days after your birthday and 4 days before mine. I just woke up and think about you. Im not crying this time. I read morning newspaper yesterday. There is inspiring article called "fighting with myself, sometime i want give up." i dont know why its remaind me of you though the article not related with you. Maybe it's because i've been fighting with my inner-self these days. Choosing between my logic that i should moving because life is not just around you or keep hangin on my faint hope that someday you'll talk to me again. Struggling to keep my smile around all people i meet everyday eventho i dont really want smilling. And i want give up sometimes, give up on everything, give up on myself. Now, there is tears hang on my eyes. I wiped it before it falls. Because i said im not crying this time, atleast not till i done writting this. I miss you Sehunnie. I hope you do well there. Have a good day.

05.38

April, 17 2015

5 days after your birthday and 3 days before mine. I dream about you last night. In my dream i read your text that said you have someone else, that we wont be together again. I woke up with clenching heart. And i wonder why i felt the clenching heart is so real yet i already know weeks before the reality is exactly same as my dream. It shouldnt be this hurt anymore, right?

08.53

April, 18 2015

6 days after your birthday and 2 days before mine. I wonder what are you doing, probably sleeping. Are you dream of me? It wont be possible for sure. Can i ask you something.. are you happy now? Because i feel so lonely now, i cant even put a fake smile here. I miss you very much.

02.12

April, 19 2015

A day before my day. Are you gonna wish me something? I shouldnt hoping but i dont know why, i hope you do.

22.51

April, 20 2015

It's my day, i still waiting your wish for me. Fooling myself that you'll send your little greeting for me. It wont happen isnt it? Are you dont want me again that badly? Now, i wish a simple thing. I wish i could forget you already. Is that too much to ask?

19.06

April, 22 2015

It's been a day i dont writting, i was busy. And it's funny how i still ended up thinking of you in my busy day. It's funny i felt sorry because i dont writting about you here yesterday. Arent you tired already to keep running in my mind? So just stop it. I beg you.

21.07

April, 26 2015

Hi Sehunnie, im sorry i've been busy so i cant write these days. And i dont know why i said sorry. To be honest, it's good being busy so there's distraction for my mind to stop thinking about you. So why not to drowning myself with many books or computer screen as much as i can, right? I found many good story lately and i've been stay till night to finished all of them. I remember i love to give you some recomendation of stories i read and force you to read it as well. Those time i always excited to tell you my reviews about the stories. Are you remember that too? I feel like to write some story again like i always did before. But i always stop in the middle of my writting because, well.. my special reader is gone already.

Anyways, have you listen to Lady Antebellum's song that called I Need You Now? You liked to sent me many song back then. You should listen that song, it's nice. You know that i often sleep so so so late just like now right? And in this time like this, i always find myself so frigale, so weak that i think it's only you can be my leaning wall to support me. I always lean on you in the past that i still struggle so very hard to stand by myself until now. If only you were here everything wont be this hard. Well, everything is hard but i think everything is hard and bearable when you were here. Not like now, because everything is hard and i feel like to give up anytime soon.

Hey, you know today is exactly a month that we've not been talk to each other. That mean it's a month anniversary you with your new someone. Congratulation! I hope this someone makes you happy. And i hope your new someone will stay by your side no matter what you both through. Dont take the wrong way like me. It's so very very bad feeling to realize what you really feel when it's too late. Regret is worst feeling, im sure you both wont feel it.

I really miss you

00.58

April, 27 2015

Hi Shixun, i used to call you by your chinese name. It feels awkward because im not saying that name for long time now. Anyway, i got fight with my mom yesterday morning. Well i oftenly fight with my mom so this is not something new. I used to share this thing to you right? How strict my mom if she want me do something then i absolutely should do that. Eventhough i dont like the thing, then she'll say that for my own good. I will defeat to her no matter what. I know she loves me and want best for me. But sometimes i wish she wont be that force to me. And i will always scare to talk to her if we already get in fight, that i will just choose to be silent and obdient to her. Im so coward, am i?

When we were still talking to each other. I used to tell you all my problem. Throwing all my random mind that i always hide from other people. Showing my broken side that even my parent dont know. I dont think about all of that till that night you decided to stop talking to me. I currently listen to cold play's fix you, im sure you know that song. And i realize that you are my light, something that guiding me to home. You're my home, place where i could show who i am freely, place where i could get shelter from every storm i've through. And you can fix my every broken side just by accepting who i am.

But guess what make it sad? I lose my only and one real light. It turns off now and i dont know how to turn it on again. I lose my only and real home. And i lost in my own way now. Alone.

16.21

May, 03 2015

It is D-2! Are you remember, Sehunnie? No?

Im getting busier lately, no, i lied i just getting no mood to do anything. I have a good news today and i wish i could share it with you. Yeah, i wish. Anw, how are you? I suddenly wonder if eomma send my greeting on your latest birthday? You dont said anything nor reply about it. Well, you surely wouldnt.

To be honest, sometimes i thought you took revenge on me. Are you kiss me for purpose that time? Your kiss in the rain that last time, after all the things we've been through, im sorry i dont kiss you back because i was confuse with my own heart. But after that kiss, i think about you non-stop. It was crazily made me happy. And i want you to kiss me again, then i asked for it, so we kissed. But the next day when i felt heavenly happy, you decided tobe gone. Ignoring me even erase me out completely from your life. Is that what you want? Were you kissed me for this purpose? Were you want me to pull back our memories, being stuck on it while you decided to let everything go? Are you want me suffer as much as you?

I wish you not, i wish it's all just my bad thought. Arent we suppose be even? I cheated, you cheated, and we got our own consequences. This not even a game anyway. We need to stop tobe selfish and learn our lesson. And if erase me is the way you learn your lesson then let me stay in the memories of us to stop my selfish side for wanting you. It's all start from me and i take my punishment. Stay happy whoever you are with now. Stay happy for me, will you?

01.10

May, 04 2015

D-1! Are you remember tomorrow, Sehun-ah? Still no?

Have you ever think about me since the day we stop talking to each other? I've been find myself think about you so much. It hurts me yet i cant stop. I dont cry but every time i write this, there's always tears hang on my eyes, bluring everything i see.

They said, i think about you because i miss the memories of us. Because i only miss the memories not you. First, i thought it was true but i dont think so now. Memories cant hug you, memories cant talk to you, memories cant make you feel better when you not good and memories cant be there beside you. Sure, i've been miss the memories of us. It can make me smile and hurt me in the same time. But i want you to hug me, to talk to me, to make me feel better when i dont feel good, to be there beside me.

Taylor Swift said this is wishfull thinking probably mindless dreaming. And Selena Gomes said the heart want what its want. So i will say, this is not only a missing feeling, it is want. My want. My painfull want. It's not only the memories it's you. I miss you that it hurts me so bad.

22.56

May, 05 2015

Happy 5th Sehunnie! Isnt today is a nice date? Are you remember now?

Yes, it should be our 2 years and a half anniversary. Wow! Isnt that long yet short time? I dont know what happen to us. All the twist and turn story. I only know all the thing we've been through is started from my fault. And im sorry to made everything hard for us. But i assume you are happy now, yes?

I've been wanting tell you this. So read this carefully okay?

Have you ever thought all this time when i was have a hard time i will search for you? Even when i was have someone else or when i fought with them. I will still seeing for you. I know i've been cruel. I shouldnt tell you about me and their problem, it isnt related with you. I just really dont know where should i go to make me better. I know you'll be there for me that time. See? How a selfish i am. And im so so sorry for it. I know you've been hurt for the things i was telling you. I know you were hurt to listen that i've been sad and upset for someone else. I know i was pain you when i told you i love someone else. I know i was messing you when i said i want you to moving on and stop loving me. I really am sorry.

It was very hurt when you told me we can pretend that we dont do anything after we kissed. When inside i felt happy but i dont what that kiss make or mean for us. I was so afraid to see us back like before. After got cheated from that someone and after knowing you ever been do same thing like he did on me. After i did the same thing on you too. After all of things happened. I dont think i can trust my heart to someone else. That is why i dont think we cant back but our kiss was a pleasant, that i think i might be lose my heart to you again. It was addicted that im sure when you kiss me again i'll burst that 3 words to you if im not so afraid what will you react. So i hold it back because i dont think you'll accepting me after what i did to you. Arent you a great? You can make me easily lose my heart just by a kiss.

If im be honest i choose not to kiss you, i prefer you dont kiss me because that day when you suddenly gone. So suddenly decided to stop talking to me. So suddenly kick me out from your life. I was not ready for another heart break, i dont heal from the previous pain. And when i thought you might heal it a bit but then you put another more big wound on my still pain heart. That was suprisingly hurt knowing you got yourself someone else and put me a side even ignore me at all. I might be look fine but im really not okay. I dont even have the right tobe hurt nor angry. But i cant help myself, i dont know why i felt betray. I was so stupid to think you kissed me is a good sign when you clearly said we can pretended we dont do anything. That mean you didnt mean to kiss me! I was stupid to felt pleasant and think about it non-stop. I shouldnt. You ever said you dont love me anymore that unpleasantly upsetting me when i shouldnt.

I know, im complicated person. I cant really said what i want to say to you. It's because im afraid i will hurt you again. And it'll hurt us. I know it's late and it is no matter anymore for you now. But i only want you to know, that maybe all this time since the very first time to the things all happend to us till now i write this, i love you and i still do. All this 2 years (and more) i might be ever put you a side but i never push you out/away. I wouldnt be and never able to do that because even when i was with someone else, you still there in the place where i can find you everytime i need. Just like you said, you'll always in my heart no matter what. And it's true, i just been so very very fool to realize it only when it's too late.

Im so desperate to loving you. Im sorry for all the things that happen to us, for all the things i did, for made you fall out love, for made things hard for us, for taking the wrong way, for realize it too late and for make us hurt. Im deeply sorry, Sehun-ah.

We might be wont talking anymore but i'll always wish you best. I will love you from here. I love you, i love you for a life time. It is not a fake, i want you be happy. So be happy.

Im sorry, Shixun.

15.01


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